Self Portrait - March 2026

In the circus I mention, the whole of this website and the imagination of my part in the (art) world - magical, confusing, connected, you know, I have always pictured myself in one particular place.

I sit under a table, semi-comfortable on a cushioned floor, with books and yellow fairy lights. I imagine myself reading or lying down or sitting or crying or anything. I can hear the faint sound of the circus and people and things that are a part of it, or people and animals who come to visit. Fortunately, I can't see them, and of course, they can't see me.

To think of it, interestingly enough, I don't carry any art material here. Maybe that's just for the visits to the rivers and the mountains. Never mind that, the table. So, that's where I find myself. I come out when I am up for it and interact and smile, but mostly it's where I am.

By the way, I am super grateful for being able to hear the faint sounds, they prevent me from feeling completely isolated and lost, they remind me of the ground's existence. I mean, we know, even under the table, I am prone to flying away really, really far, somewhere where I can't feel anything, not my breathing, my heartbeat, my vision, the floating sensation in nowhere.. never mind that! So yes, I like the sounds, which I am able to hear or tune out as and when I want to. There are no visible-to-the-naked l-eye living beings here, under the table. No little animals, insects, stopping by birds, plants, none. In fact, I don't even want coffee to be there; it is stimulating. That feeling is not encouraged in this space. Water is fine.

For the longest time, I have felt injured or incapable as I restlessly sit in this place. There are books, but no stories have been reaching my heart, the noises are loud, and yes, I can engage with the outside many times, but not able to feel ok under the table.

I am happy to say that completing the reading of four books in the last three months, be they light and short reads, has made sitting there more meaningful. I feel more encouraged and confident in my ability. Plus, if I can sit here better, I know I can do other things better too, or so I believe, or so I want to believe, so I will believe, will make myself believe, really want to believe..

Hm. Thinking and writing about all this also made me wonder what I imagine to be on the table, and the whole thing makes me want to build a burrow and a tunnel, and oh ohhhh so much to do.

It's good to be here. Spent more time here than usual, or a more pleasant time here than usual, I'm glad.

Thanks.

Everything can change.

I must draw.