Self Portrait - April 2023

Spom April

Title: A big bright light heart

Size: 5”5inch (smaller than my heart paper)

Description:

I am beautiful. My heart is filled with love and kindness. My heart hurts and does so much more.

The last ten months brought a big change in my life. For the first time ever, I recognised anger as feeling purely towards another person. I had never experienced this feeling this way before, I’ve never had the courage to truly hold another being responsible for causing me pain, I always got confused and believed for myself to be the problem and that I for reasons deserved it. It didn’t feel right or good, but the statement sounded right in my head. It always led to so much pain and (verbal, physical, and emotional) abuse towards me.

This time was different. Revealing, evolving but uncomfortable, new, and difficult to deal with. Since my go-to has been violence towards myself, the strong feeling of anger made me want to be violent toward others. Which, I got convinced, was ok, why would it not be if it was ok when I did it to me? That’s still love, right? So, it’s ok.

But it didn’t and doesn’t feel ok at all. It bothers me to want to hurt another person and thinking about it forces me to extend that sensitivity towards myself. I feel hurt to have been ok with hurting myself.

I am surprised, and I am learning so much from this feeling of anger.

Right now, I haven’t changed anything (it’s always a process), and I am in the observation stage. But.

And as I live, I am learning to forgive myself. I cannot possibly tell you, in words, how much kindness it feels like. It feels like generosity and freedom, and as if I can breathe with lessened guilt. I am learning to let some things go (which I have been practicing for a long time now but it’s still worth mentioning). I speak with lesser animosity (toward others) and heart-felt meanness (towards myself). That way of speaking and thinking has been so tiring. I remember when in December 2022, I decided to treat my body better, well, I am not always able to do it, but I think of it, I want to do it, I intend, and I try.

My heart hurts a lot, just as before, but I love myself more, take care of myself more, and do it all much more boldly. I have been verbally violent to protect myself, but as I feel more confident, I feel ready to speak more clearly, with lesser urgency and fear.

I am genuinely trying, and I feel good about myself. I know I am trying, even when it doesn’t look like it.

I’m making new mistakes.

I am proud of myself. I love myself. I like my time, I respect and care about my time (I always did).

So much is happening and I’m doing so much. But for now, all I really want to share is:

My heart feels grey and yellow, more light than heavy, quieter than before, brighter, and filled with love. Not often through my face but in my own heart, I feel ok smiling. And in my own heart and my physical space, I allow and accept crying.

(I am intending as I speak this way.)

It’s good, things are ok.